It's a love game

I recently read a blog by a friend of mine entitled “The Push and Pull.” It’s interesting he used the phrase "push and pull". I've heard it used before from a guy I dated. This guy interacts with a lot of women for “business purposes” and uses that phrase to refer to how he connects with the many women in his life. As I understood it, he flirts with these women as a way of building his network… the pull… then if there isn’t a real heart/soul connection he redirects the interaction and energy to something more platonic… the push. This push and pull continues day after day with woman after woman. To me, that’s playing a very dangerous game. I can say this because I was one of the women who got pulled in. I didn’t want to be pulled in…. I fought it tooth and nail but eventually I fell for him and I fell hard. He was talented, sexy, kind and the attraction was strong. We made no promises for a future and I tired my best to keep it causal.

Here’s where it gets tricky… I had to watch him “push and pull” with other women and I’ll just be honest I GOT JEALOUS. Where did I hear him express that thought before? Oh, it was to me! When did I see him respond that way to a woman? Right, it was with me”! Was his expression a genuine one for me or was this a mass communication meant for the chosen few who were fortunate enough to be pulled into his essence? What is he doing with me? Is it a push or a pull? What is he doing with her? Will she get pulled in? If she gets pulled in… will I be pushed out? Already the daily AM texts had stopped. Soon the afternoon texts started to slow down. Was he even aware that he was breaking a pattern… that I was feeling neglected? Soon I was lucky to get one evening text and one brief phone call.

Granted, neither one of us sold each other dreams of a future. Truth be told, I could not see us having a future at all… more because of his circumstances than my own. We did not speak of monogamy… although I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else. I assumed… no… I was SURE he had other women. But I didn’t want to have to see their interaction… that was new and different for me. We tried to date in this modern age of social networking, texting and instant messages. But, I know all too well how people can start off with a simple text that turns into a heated romance. His “push and pull” with other women became, for me, a breeding ground for chicks I didn’t want to compete with.

It’s called the “game of love” for a reason and when two hearts meet, whether they like it or not… the game has begun. But all games aren’t bad. I love to play card games, I golf (well, I use to), and at times I even enjoy playing board games. Games of the heart, however, can heal or wound depending on the intent. This game we were playing was starting to hurt and I could no longer be sure if his actions where pure and if my responses were rational.

Here’s what I learned… I suck at casual relationships. This is ironic, from a woman who encourages others to “live in the moment” and honor the ever present now. However when it comes to relationships… at least for me… I need to feel important, adored, loved, and special. Even if I’m not “the one” I need to feel I am. I want to be pulled in and NEVER pushed away. Here’s the kicker… I really dig this guy. I miss him every single day. I don’t think we’re playing a game anymore because I called “game over” and he took his ball and went home. I’m not sure if he even thinks of me now. There’s so much pushing and pulling going on in his world I doubt that I’m even missed. I wonder if there was something one of us could have done differently? I wonder if I bailed too soon? I wonder if we’ll ever get a chance to “play” again… because as I said earlier… some games are fun.

I’ve already told him I liked him and I hope I’m able to be bold and fearless should he and I ever connect again. One thing is for sure… with or without him I WILL see my dreams fulfilled. My dreams are what I live for every day… every day that I continue to miss my friend.