Dating: Not a Spectator Sport

I've been getting all kinds of dating advise from my girlfriends... some solicited... some not. "Sistas Are Single" by Shannon Renee celebrates our choices in being single rather than diminishing them.  I'd like to think that after decades of dating I've got this one down but clearly I'm doing something wrong if I haven't found "the one" yet. 

Don't get me wrong... PLEASE... because being single has many advantages.  Plus, truth be told, I can get a date any day or night of the week.  But finding that guy for the "death do us part" thing... yeah... well... that's a little harder.  Also, I know all too well that the goal line is not getting married, the goal is to have a long, healthy, supportive partnership that will last "until death do we part".

I have so many friends who are terribly unhappy in their marriages or who have settled for something far less than they had originally anticipated.  Hope runs eternal for me that I will find "the one."  I'm willing to go through Shannon's list and make sure I don't fall into any of the categories she has mentioned.  I'm also willing to push myself outside my comfort zone and try online dating, take recommendations from friends, and go where the men are.  I'll let you know how it all this turns out because dating is not a spectator sport.  You've gotta get in the game if you want to win!

Here are Shannon's top five:

1. We don't go out or socialize with others --> we're waiting for Prince Charming to come to us. The only person who's going to ring the doorbell is the mailman, and our bougie selves won't even consider him. You know you won't, don't front.
2. We don't go out alone --> we go out in groups with our girlfriends. Very, very, very few men are going to have the nerve to risk walking up to a group of women to speak to one of them. It really is okay to go out to dinner, see a movie or visit a museum all by your lonesome.
3. We don't have a realistic expectations --> we are still looking for Mr. Perfect, the man who meets all of our criteria. The perfect man doesn't exist. The checklist we have in heads (or have even written down) needs to be edited for the 21st century. Stop being so darn picky!
4. We don't have or make time for a relationship -->we work 60+ hour weeks, volunteer at church, have family obligations and hang with our BFFs. Relationships take time and attention to grow. We have to be willing to let go of some things to make room for a man in our lives.
5. We don't let go or ask questions --> we stay in relationships longer than we should. This isn't the right time, he has to focus on this, that or the other thing first, he's not ready to settle down yet...ALL excuses. We need to be in control of our lives, we're older and don't have time to waste on foolishness.

Read more from Shannon Sez So and the 8 Reasons Sistas Are Single by click here and let me know what you are doing to get in and stay in the game.

How Facebook can affirm a woman's singlehood

Should women actually turn to Facebook for validation? I guess we should support whatever means will uplift a women's self esteem but I hope we can create more role models for young women that allow them to define themselves by what they give to life, rather than the position they hold in it.

Amplify’d from www.salon.com

When you think of a successful woman in her 30s clicking through Facebook photos of her high school boyfriend's wedding or her married friend's new baby, the assumption is likely that she's filled with jealousy and regret. The social networking site has a reputation for feeding envy, after all, and the pressure young women face to get hitched and have kids is the stuff of popular romantic comedies. What's interesting, though, is that I've found the opposite is often true. My friend Katherine is successful, dynamic and fiercely intelligent -- but, unmarried and childless at 32, she feels pressure from some to hurry up and achieve something that really matters: settling down and having kids. There is nothing new about a woman wondering if she's sacrificed her love life for her career -- but what is new is how Facebook is allowing these women to compare how their life choices have panned out with those of their peers, and sometimes it's actually validating. Katherine recently told me, "I go on there and I see these beautiful, intelligent women that I grew up with and they're all married to these accountant types who wear polos and golf on the weekends. Yes, they have kids, a home and a husband -- but it just looks so painfully, unbearably boring." Granted, the whole truth is that she also sometimes feels jealousy -- for instance, when a friend who is married with a baby posts about "drinking a glass of wine and eating oysters with her husband at their cute house with the bathroom they just remodeled themselves." She says, "I can see that I have sacrificed relationships and family for career success, and seeing my peers with their kids on Facebook certainly amplifies that." Despite all the choices available to women today, many still fret that in putting their career first and worrying about marriage and kids later they will ultimately miss out on the latter. There is a biological reality behind these concerns, but there are also plenty of cultural myths and trumped-up anxiety -- the lonely cat lady who dies without anyone noticing and ends up being eaten by her hungry companion, for example -- that serve as cautionary tales. The warning, of course, is that we will be punished for being too ambitious and going against our basic nature. Given the high stakes, it's no surprise that this often leads to comparisons and competition -- and Facebook serves as a virtual looking glass through which to explore the path not taken. Read more at www.salon.com

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Men Say The Darndest Things

I ran across the Man Of The House site and have been delving into the mind of a man. Below is a partial list from the 10 Things You Should Never, Ever Say (to a woman). The list is pretty thorough but I wanted to add a few of my own:

1. You're right, you DO need to lose weight
2. You're going to wear that?
3. Why don't you ______________ (insert any stupid idea)
4. I guess your last boyfriend ____________ (again, insert any stupid idea)
5. No, nothing is wrong (when clearly something is)

I'd elaborate but I'm trying to not live in the past. I'm single... I don't have to hear any of this nonsense anymore and if I do... on to the next.

Amplify’d from manofthehouse.com

“Guys say the stupidest things.” That’s a near universal female observation. And let’s face it: there’s more than a grain of truth in it. We guys do say some pretty idiotic stuff. Thing is, we rarely mean to. In fact, we often don’t even know that we did! What to do? Channel your fifth grade teacher and remember to think before you speak. Behind otherwise benign statements lurk some rather, well, stupid stuff. Here are ten statements that are likely to get you into trouble, and how to avoid them. 1. “You’re over-reacting.”While this may be true from an objective standpoint, she will never agree, at least not on the spot. No matter what she may be throwing at you, be that insults or ceramic knick-knacks, she believes she’s acting appropriately. So duck if you have to and then say something like this: “I don’t blame you for being upset, but I’d rather focus our energy on fixing the problem.” 2. “You’re not being logical.”Once again, you may be right, but that’s beside the point.  (Note that we said “may.”) When in the midst of a debate, one plus one can equal three. Put logic aside, and listen for the core matter as she sees it. Hopefully she’ll return the favor when you suggest, for instance, that because it’s the third Sunday of the month, it would be a crime against humanity if you didn’t go fishing. 3. “Who put that idea in your head, your mother?” On a calm day, your wife or main squeeze may concur that her mother is a bit “out there.” However, when you suggest that some beef or ideas of hers isn’t genuine and, instead, has been “planted” by her mother (or sister, or girlfriend), it suggests that she can’t think for herself. Treat her thoughts and ideas as her own, regardless of their origin. Read more at manofthehouse.com

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What Men Aren't Telling Us

I have never, in all my born days, heard a man express ANYTHING like this author shared. When I do, when I find a man who HONESTLY feels this way and isn't just trying to use these kind of expressions to manipulate me, I think I would have finally found my soul mate.

Amplify’d from www.oprah.com

Photo: Stockbyte/Getty Images That women are mysterious and unknowable is something every young man grows up believing. Men, on the other hand, never think of themselves as mysterious or confusing, and we are often at a loss as to why women want to figure us out. But since you asked: When you say we don't really talk to you or reveal ourselves to you, we wish you knew just how much we have had to suppress about our desires, pains, fears, and vulnerability over the years to conform to the script of masculinity that we are given. Sometimes we don't open up because we are afraid of what we will find. We are also afraid that if you see who we really are, in all our flawed humanity (and not the flaws that annoy you, like being untidy or driving fast), you won't like us. Men do communicate, often very directly, but women sometimes cannot accept how simple what we have to say is. We seldom play games—we aren't that sophisticated. If we don't call you for a couple of days after a date, it is because either we are afraid you will think we are stalkers (and we will call on day three) or we aren't into you. That's all there is. We are as nervous as you are about sex; I don't care what you've heard. Your anatomy is a mystery that nobody bothers explaining to us. Even when we think we have mastered one woman's body, every body is different. We feel inadequate if we can't satisfy you in bed, and since no one has told us what to do with feelings of inadequacy, we project them onto you. Sad but true. We are very insecure about how we look and what you really think about us, and we are excited when you do small, nice things for us like make coffee or come with us to the barber or just buy us a good book. We've been trained never to show this side to you, but it is there. We are not subtle creatures. You might think that when you play with your hair in our presence, we know that means you like us. We don't know for sure. Men who do are bad men (sorry, guys!). And anything you've been told about playing hard to get is wrong. We crave cuddling and hand-holding, maybe even more than you do. We are desperate to please you because we know you are far sexier and more beautiful than you will ever admit to yourself, and we're confused (but extremely happy) as to why you like us. Here's the thing: You rescue us every day in small, quiet ways, so why not in this way? Let us into your mystery, tell us how you would like to be loved, show us how to see you, really see you. Read more at www.oprah.com

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I will not stalk my ex on Facebook, and other social media resolutions

A friend of mine (who I met through social media) shared this post with me and I just had to add my two cents.   I'll admit that I stoped dating a guy because he "stalked" my Facebook page, my Twitter feed and my blog posts. I'm sorry but he was just creepy and he got even creepier as the days rolled on. I'll also admit that I "unfriended" an ex when he got married... NOT because he got married... but because he admitted he kept up with my whereabouts on Facebook (uh, no you don't buddy... you're married now... don't you worry about what I'm doing). Yet, I'm not one of those people who checks up on someone's social sites. You would think with my type A personality and my controlling nature that I would be all over some guys page but it's really not my style. In fact, my single girlfriends who are also "power users" have a rule: If we are seriously dating someone, you cannot be their friend on Facebook, allow them to follow you on Twitter and if it gets really deep, you might even want to block them from reading your blog posts.

Here's the rub... what if they are already your "friend" or "follower" and THEN you start dating them? Ahhhhh, dating in 2011 just got interesting didn't it? I'll be blogging about that very soon but if we're dating you'll never get a chance to see that post now will you?

I need a certain amount of freedom to be me. I need to check in on Foursquare, write about my feelings and post content without censorship. So, while some folks need help NOT stalking other people, I need help making sure other people don't cyber stalk me! That is all...

Amplify’d from thenextweb.com

On Christmas day 2009, my ex defriended me on Foursquare and stopped following me on Twitter. Fair enough, I suppose. I didn’t need to know what bars he was going to and he didn’t need to read my 140-character self-deprecations. But I noticed his unfollow immediately and I cried, really hard. Three glasses of mulled cider later and I began to meditate on the aspects of sharing our lives, our work and our love online. For all the other modern messes out there, here are 5 New Year’s social media related resolutions: 1. I will not stalk my ex on Facebook. There are so many different reasons why Facebook makes breaking up with people exponentially harder. First, if you were in an established Facebook relationship, the ensuing broken relationship will fill up your friends’ newsfeeds, dragging your already broken heart out into the virtual highway. Second, it means you have access to his or her life, even after you are no longer a part of it. If you don’t have enough willpower to avoid viewing your ex’s photos like a slideshow, then feel free to de-friend him or her. Just realize, that chances are they won’t ask for your friendship on Facebook ever again so it could make for an awkward digital reconciliation . 2. I will be more discerning with my friend requests. On Facebook, if your News Feed looks anything like mine these days, then you need to start being more discerning with your friend requests. Ask yourself 3 questions: Have I met this person in real life? Do we have mutual friends? Do I want this person to see photos of me and status updates for the rest of my Facebook using life? If no, then hit ignore or keep them on the wait list until you can answer yes to all three of those questions, otherwise known as Facebook purgatory. On Foursquare, this is even more important. You can’t seriously want people you don’t even know to know where you are every time you check-in. That’s downright dangerous. I receive loads of Foursquare friend requests from people I don’t even know, most of the time its because they are new to the platform and haven’t realized Foursquare is more personal in nature than other platforms. But some of the time, the requests are simply scary. 3. I will not “auto” anything on Twitter. Don’t auto-follow. Don’t auto-DM. Don’t auto-tweet. Don’t do anything that shortcuts the already less-than-personal nature of social media. Nobody likes being on the receiving end of auto-generated messages, so don’t be the person to send them. In other words, be a human. 4. I will not spam my “friends” asking them to “Like me.” So you’re an artist, a fashion designer, or a musician, or you just think you’re going to be famous because you live in L.A. and you can breathe properly. Don’t badger your entire network asking them to “Like” you. If you’re really trying to get your message out there and gain notoriety ask your Mom, Dad, your roommate, a couple close friends, your boss and your significant other, but then stop there. More importantly, do something worth notoriety. If its truly notable, people will notice. It’s already a shallow effort and chances are you’ll piss off quite a few people who would’ve “Liked you” on their own without having you request their approval. Lastly, you’re devaluing the entire “Like” process by guilting your friends into adding one more “Like” to their Facebook page. 5. I will forget about MySpace. MySpace had its day, along with Ace of Base, white washed jeans and JNCOs. There are much better ways to waste your time on the Internet. Read more at thenextweb.com

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Black Marriage Negotiations

This Little Known Tool Will Rescue You From Bad Dates

Dating in this new age of technology just got easier!!! Not only can I check in on Foursquare so my friends know where I am, but now I can have an emergency "get me the heck out of here" text sent to my phone. Truth be told, I don't really need an excuse... if the dates sucks I'm just going to roll on out... but for you kindhearted singles that need a little extra help... this one is for you!

Amplify’d from www.socialtimes.com

Set up on a blind date and worried it will be a disaster so you plan an escape route and arrange to have your friend call your cell phone in the middle of dinner?  So 20th century.  The new solution?  It’s just a text away.  If you’ve ever been stuck on a date, bored in a meeting or just in need of a good excuse to leave, you’ll want to keep reading. We bring you Rescu.me, a new, automated texting service and the 21st century solution to that age-old problem:  get me out of here!  Instead of having to pre-arrange a fake text or phone call to save you, Rescu.me automates the process and dispatches text messages and phone calls on demand. The best news is, it’s easy.  Just store the Rescu.me number in your phone under whatever contact name will work best for your little escape route, i.e. boss, best friend, mom, whatever.  Then, before the big event, just send a text to the service dictating the text or call you want and when you want it.  You can also customize the text or voice message by including an alternative message in your request. So when your date starts talking about his ex’s or your coworker starts revealing one too many details, you can just pull out your phone, show them the “emergency” text and voila, you’re off the hook Read more at www.socialtimes.com

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Dating in a Digital World - Part II

From time to time I write about dating.  This is my second installment in my Dating in a Digital World posts.  This time I'm focusing on Internet Dating and Dating Protocols.  I have been reluctant to use an Internet dating service. I do pretty well on my own when it comes to dating (never at a loss to have a guy around) but I haven't made that real "love connection" with someone who wants to "love, honer and cherish me until death do us part".  Oh, there have been offers but the key is to find someone who you want to settle down with as much as they want to partner with you.

You would think I, of all people, a woman who works, plays and lives online would be all over Internet dating sites.  For some reason it's been a bit taboo for me. I live in DC where we THOUGHT the ratio of men to women was disproportionately in the guy's favor. Actually, according to SingleMindedWomen.com, an analysis of the major U.S. cities found that DC fell in line as the number two city for single women... who know?  The criteria for  Top 10 Cities for Single Women were as follows:

To earn a spot in the Top 10, an international airport was a requirement. Single-minded women want to be able to get there, wherever there may be, with ease.  Once we pared down our list, we examined industries and employers, and compared cost of living. We then looked at percentage of singles to the general population, as well as ratio of women to men. In addition, we explored venues for social activities, arts, sports, and other entertainment. We also looked at cities from the standpoint of healthy living, with good health taking into account body, mind, and spirit. Finally, we considered other aspects of lifestyle, such as aesthetics, personal style, and community support.

So, come to find out, there are plenty of eligible men in DC... and I'm going after the ones who want to settle down and build a life together. No more, dating for a decade with no ring, cheating boyfriends who don't appreciate me, unavailable men who claim they love me and finally, absolutely no more players!  I'm getting serious about my prospects and I've joined two Online Dating services. In addition, I've solicited my girlfriend as my modern day Yenta.  In fact, she is sending me on a date tonight.  We spoke on the phone for hours last night.  Seems like a nice enough guy... funny... well educated... innovative... homeowner... stable job... oh and, yes, I Googled him.  You can't be too safe these days.  Although this person has gotten the seal of approval from one of my BFFs, I thought it wouldn't do any harm to Google.  Thankfully, I like what I read.  Now I'm excited about my date.  

I'll let you know how all turns out.  This is giving me PLENTY of content to blog about.  So, Internet Dating Services... yes or no AND is it wrong to Google a guy before you go out on the first date?  Inquiring minds want to know. 


Internet Dating on 12seconds.tv

A New Paradigm For Modern Dating? Combining the Real World and Internet World With One Flirty Card

I'm single and yeah, OK, I've thought about internet dating. However, I have a whole mental block towards hooking up with someone from a dating site. I'm not sure what my aversion is. I live, work and play online so one would think this would be a natural transition. Still, there's something about meeting someone on a dating site that creeps me out. The idea of a "flirt card" creeps me out even more! Yes, I've heard the eHarmony commercials about how they have matched up thousands of couples and how their matches have lead to more marriages... blah, blah, blah. Still, it just makes me very uncomfortable. Meanwhile, can you just imagine someone handing me a black card that says: "Let's hook up". Can you say "where is the trash can"?

Amplify’d from www.intent.com

Imagine that you are chilling by yourself in some coffee shop or bookstore. A non-creepy good-looking stranger--who may or may not have been eyeballing you or the book you have been reading for the last ten minutes--passes by your table and nonchalantly places a small black card next to your cafe drink before heading out the door. The card says: "I'm hitting on you" and below, a website code for looking up the your admirer's profile to learn more or to send a message. Super-creepy? Or a little intriguing? Consider it the flirty equivalent of a Facebook poke in real time. According to this recent article on the New York Times, passing along a flirty card with an online code to your personal profile may be the next dating trend that combines real world encounters with online interaction. Cheekd.com is one website that provides a paid membership for users who want their own personalized cards with their personalized internet code to discreetly pass along to any alluring-looking cutie or hunk that catches their eye--be it on the subway, a club, a bookstore, or yoga class. As the article goes on to explain: Users receive calling cards to dole out to alluring strangers they encounter in their everyday lives, be it in a club or in a subway on their morning commute. Recipients of the cards can use the identification code printed on them to log onto Cheekd.com and send a message to their admirer. A pack of 50 cards and a month’s subscription to Cheek’d, where users can receive messages and post information about themselves, is $25. There is no fee for those who receive cards to communicate with an admirer through the site. Each Cheek’d card has a sassy phrase like “I am totally cooler than your date,” or, for those with no regard for subtlety: “I’m hitting on you.” Ms. Cheek is dreaming up specialized card sets, too. One for New York City singles will have lines like “I live below 14th Street” and “I hope my five-story walkup won’t be a problem.” Flipmedating.com is another dating website that markets the same concept: a pack of 30 cards and a three-month membership for $24.99. Each card is printed with the message that reads way cooller in written form than spoken outloud: "I’ve said ‘what if’ too many times ... not this time.” Read more at www.intent.com

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What's a Girl To Do: Dating in a Digital World

I posted a comment on my Facbook page about "things not going to work out" because a guy I was on a date with didn't like the fact that I "checked in" to Foursquare.  I got a great deal of support and agreement from my techie, geeky, gadget friends who, in no uncertain terms, told me to "kick him to the curb.'  However, I also got several lengthy comments from folks who think one should be totally focused on ones date and put "the devises" down.  I totally understand where they are coming from... this will never, ever work for me but I understand the concept.

For backup on my position I went to... where else... the Internet.  I have to admit I found far more posts about people who thought texting while on a date... particularly a first date... was rude.  I don't sit and text during a date, per say, but I do "check in" on Foursquare (we'll see how long that lasts) and I will probably post a Tweet or two.  I'm not going to do this while my date is revealing intimate details about himself, but I will tell him upon entering an establishment "I'm going to check-in now" and I may jump on Twitter here and there during a lull in the evening.  While it seems I'm a minority, except among my techie, geeky, gadget friends who think this is a non-issue, I do find in interesting how passionate people feel about unplugging during "date night".  So, I wondered, what's a gadget girl like myself to do?  I did find at least one writer from the New York Times who feels the way I do about being connected to the outside world when you are on a date.  In her article, Kids These Days: Is Texting While Dating a Dealbreaker Kate Dailey wrote:

I admit that I'm more addicted to constant connectivity than most, and that I needn't check my cell as often as I do. But in defending texts at the table, I'm not arguing for the right to a IM chat with my sister whilst a winsome young man tries to tell me about the death of his childhood cat. Instead, I think the realities of these modern times means that one can still be very interested, attuned, and attentive to one's date and still occasionally send a text when a free moment presents itself.

Well, I am not a kid, and neither are my many techie, geeky, gadget, friends and yet we find nothing wrong with staying connected while we... uh... connect.  Granted, I'm not really texting or sending an IM chat while I'm on a date or out with friends, but I will do my social networking thing while I'm actually being... dare I say... social.  It's what I do.  I am a Social Media Specialist and I live, work and play online.  That may not work for a lot of folks and I'm OK with that.  BUT, if you are going to roll with me you need to know my iPhone and it's over usage are part of the package... might as well get that straight from the giddy up.

One guy I dated was actually more addicted to Twitter than I was (am).  It did get on my nerves from time-to-time that he would not, could not, put his Blackberry down.  However, I wasn't surprised.  Ours was a romance cultivated on Twitter, refined via IM and transformed into reality.  Still and all, I never banned him from Twitter.  Instead, we came up with boundries:

• No Tweeting/Facebook posts/Check-ins/Texts/phone calls during dinner (before is fine)
• No Tweeting/Facebook posts/Check-ins/Texts/phone calls at movies/plays/concerts (that's wrong)
• No Tweeting/Facebook posts/Check-ins/Texts/phone calls during intimate moments (I think this goes without saying but I'll say it anyway)

Beyond that, I'm cool with a guy social networking his little heart out and he should be OK with me doing the same.  Now, I don't want him to be a Power User like I am.  That brings with it a whole other level of access that no one but my closest, dearest, friends should have.  Additionally, I do think there needs to be boundaries, far more than I outlined.  I'm working on those in an upcoming Social Media Etiquette post.  In the meantime you can check out Caroline Giegerich article, Dating in a Digital Universe, for some tips on how to navigate through the digital space while dating.  There's some good stuff in there.  I don't agree with all of it but I do support the general concepts.

To sum it all up... on a first day with me... and for many days thereafter... you might as well know... I'm going to Tweet.  I'll probably tweet about you and what we are doing.   I will "check in" on at least one Geo Location app (maybe more).  So you better be on your best behavior because my online community is watching you!