Dating: Not a Spectator Sport

I've been getting all kinds of dating advise from my girlfriends... some solicited... some not. "Sistas Are Single" by Shannon Renee celebrates our choices in being single rather than diminishing them.  I'd like to think that after decades of dating I've got this one down but clearly I'm doing something wrong if I haven't found "the one" yet. 

Don't get me wrong... PLEASE... because being single has many advantages.  Plus, truth be told, I can get a date any day or night of the week.  But finding that guy for the "death do us part" thing... yeah... well... that's a little harder.  Also, I know all too well that the goal line is not getting married, the goal is to have a long, healthy, supportive partnership that will last "until death do we part".

I have so many friends who are terribly unhappy in their marriages or who have settled for something far less than they had originally anticipated.  Hope runs eternal for me that I will find "the one."  I'm willing to go through Shannon's list and make sure I don't fall into any of the categories she has mentioned.  I'm also willing to push myself outside my comfort zone and try online dating, take recommendations from friends, and go where the men are.  I'll let you know how it all this turns out because dating is not a spectator sport.  You've gotta get in the game if you want to win!

Here are Shannon's top five:

1. We don't go out or socialize with others --> we're waiting for Prince Charming to come to us. The only person who's going to ring the doorbell is the mailman, and our bougie selves won't even consider him. You know you won't, don't front.
2. We don't go out alone --> we go out in groups with our girlfriends. Very, very, very few men are going to have the nerve to risk walking up to a group of women to speak to one of them. It really is okay to go out to dinner, see a movie or visit a museum all by your lonesome.
3. We don't have a realistic expectations --> we are still looking for Mr. Perfect, the man who meets all of our criteria. The perfect man doesn't exist. The checklist we have in heads (or have even written down) needs to be edited for the 21st century. Stop being so darn picky!
4. We don't have or make time for a relationship -->we work 60+ hour weeks, volunteer at church, have family obligations and hang with our BFFs. Relationships take time and attention to grow. We have to be willing to let go of some things to make room for a man in our lives.
5. We don't let go or ask questions --> we stay in relationships longer than we should. This isn't the right time, he has to focus on this, that or the other thing first, he's not ready to settle down yet...ALL excuses. We need to be in control of our lives, we're older and don't have time to waste on foolishness.

Read more from Shannon Sez So and the 8 Reasons Sistas Are Single by click here and let me know what you are doing to get in and stay in the game.

Men Say The Darndest Things

I ran across the Man Of The House site and have been delving into the mind of a man. Below is a partial list from the 10 Things You Should Never, Ever Say (to a woman). The list is pretty thorough but I wanted to add a few of my own:

1. You're right, you DO need to lose weight
2. You're going to wear that?
3. Why don't you ______________ (insert any stupid idea)
4. I guess your last boyfriend ____________ (again, insert any stupid idea)
5. No, nothing is wrong (when clearly something is)

I'd elaborate but I'm trying to not live in the past. I'm single... I don't have to hear any of this nonsense anymore and if I do... on to the next.

Amplify’d from manofthehouse.com

“Guys say the stupidest things.” That’s a near universal female observation. And let’s face it: there’s more than a grain of truth in it. We guys do say some pretty idiotic stuff. Thing is, we rarely mean to. In fact, we often don’t even know that we did! What to do? Channel your fifth grade teacher and remember to think before you speak. Behind otherwise benign statements lurk some rather, well, stupid stuff. Here are ten statements that are likely to get you into trouble, and how to avoid them. 1. “You’re over-reacting.”While this may be true from an objective standpoint, she will never agree, at least not on the spot. No matter what she may be throwing at you, be that insults or ceramic knick-knacks, she believes she’s acting appropriately. So duck if you have to and then say something like this: “I don’t blame you for being upset, but I’d rather focus our energy on fixing the problem.” 2. “You’re not being logical.”Once again, you may be right, but that’s beside the point.  (Note that we said “may.”) When in the midst of a debate, one plus one can equal three. Put logic aside, and listen for the core matter as she sees it. Hopefully she’ll return the favor when you suggest, for instance, that because it’s the third Sunday of the month, it would be a crime against humanity if you didn’t go fishing. 3. “Who put that idea in your head, your mother?” On a calm day, your wife or main squeeze may concur that her mother is a bit “out there.” However, when you suggest that some beef or ideas of hers isn’t genuine and, instead, has been “planted” by her mother (or sister, or girlfriend), it suggests that she can’t think for herself. Treat her thoughts and ideas as her own, regardless of their origin. Read more at manofthehouse.com

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/a16z36

The Science of Love, Attraction and Heartbreak

Valentine's Day is a holiday that celebrates love, romance and the story of St. Valentine.  It's a day made for lovers and couples.  But single or married, divorced or engaged, we are in need of this thing called love.  Some of us search all of our lives for it.  It's an emotion that fuels the fire of amazing love songs, moving poems, and great art.  But, as Tina Turner sang, "what does love have to do with it?"  It really is just a chemical reaction.  You can't fake it or duplicate it.  But, there is a science to this thing called love.  Check out this video from the History Channel on the science of love and attraction.

Love is all well and good until your love interest doesn't return your affection.  So, how do we respond to rejection when our love isn't returned?  Believe it or not, that is also a chemical reaction.  More from the History Channel on the science of love and heartbreak.

Happy Valentine's Day!  Whether you are in love or mending a broken heart, remember that you are worthy of an abundance of love and recall the words from a Whitney Houston song:

The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

What Men Aren't Telling Us

I have never, in all my born days, heard a man express ANYTHING like this author shared. When I do, when I find a man who HONESTLY feels this way and isn't just trying to use these kind of expressions to manipulate me, I think I would have finally found my soul mate.

Amplify’d from www.oprah.com

Photo: Stockbyte/Getty Images That women are mysterious and unknowable is something every young man grows up believing. Men, on the other hand, never think of themselves as mysterious or confusing, and we are often at a loss as to why women want to figure us out. But since you asked: When you say we don't really talk to you or reveal ourselves to you, we wish you knew just how much we have had to suppress about our desires, pains, fears, and vulnerability over the years to conform to the script of masculinity that we are given. Sometimes we don't open up because we are afraid of what we will find. We are also afraid that if you see who we really are, in all our flawed humanity (and not the flaws that annoy you, like being untidy or driving fast), you won't like us. Men do communicate, often very directly, but women sometimes cannot accept how simple what we have to say is. We seldom play games—we aren't that sophisticated. If we don't call you for a couple of days after a date, it is because either we are afraid you will think we are stalkers (and we will call on day three) or we aren't into you. That's all there is. We are as nervous as you are about sex; I don't care what you've heard. Your anatomy is a mystery that nobody bothers explaining to us. Even when we think we have mastered one woman's body, every body is different. We feel inadequate if we can't satisfy you in bed, and since no one has told us what to do with feelings of inadequacy, we project them onto you. Sad but true. We are very insecure about how we look and what you really think about us, and we are excited when you do small, nice things for us like make coffee or come with us to the barber or just buy us a good book. We've been trained never to show this side to you, but it is there. We are not subtle creatures. You might think that when you play with your hair in our presence, we know that means you like us. We don't know for sure. Men who do are bad men (sorry, guys!). And anything you've been told about playing hard to get is wrong. We crave cuddling and hand-holding, maybe even more than you do. We are desperate to please you because we know you are far sexier and more beautiful than you will ever admit to yourself, and we're confused (but extremely happy) as to why you like us. Here's the thing: You rescue us every day in small, quiet ways, so why not in this way? Let us into your mystery, tell us how you would like to be loved, show us how to see you, really see you. Read more at www.oprah.com

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/bmlwh

I will not stalk my ex on Facebook, and other social media resolutions

A friend of mine (who I met through social media) shared this post with me and I just had to add my two cents.   I'll admit that I stoped dating a guy because he "stalked" my Facebook page, my Twitter feed and my blog posts. I'm sorry but he was just creepy and he got even creepier as the days rolled on. I'll also admit that I "unfriended" an ex when he got married... NOT because he got married... but because he admitted he kept up with my whereabouts on Facebook (uh, no you don't buddy... you're married now... don't you worry about what I'm doing). Yet, I'm not one of those people who checks up on someone's social sites. You would think with my type A personality and my controlling nature that I would be all over some guys page but it's really not my style. In fact, my single girlfriends who are also "power users" have a rule: If we are seriously dating someone, you cannot be their friend on Facebook, allow them to follow you on Twitter and if it gets really deep, you might even want to block them from reading your blog posts.

Here's the rub... what if they are already your "friend" or "follower" and THEN you start dating them? Ahhhhh, dating in 2011 just got interesting didn't it? I'll be blogging about that very soon but if we're dating you'll never get a chance to see that post now will you?

I need a certain amount of freedom to be me. I need to check in on Foursquare, write about my feelings and post content without censorship. So, while some folks need help NOT stalking other people, I need help making sure other people don't cyber stalk me! That is all...

Amplify’d from thenextweb.com

On Christmas day 2009, my ex defriended me on Foursquare and stopped following me on Twitter. Fair enough, I suppose. I didn’t need to know what bars he was going to and he didn’t need to read my 140-character self-deprecations. But I noticed his unfollow immediately and I cried, really hard. Three glasses of mulled cider later and I began to meditate on the aspects of sharing our lives, our work and our love online. For all the other modern messes out there, here are 5 New Year’s social media related resolutions: 1. I will not stalk my ex on Facebook. There are so many different reasons why Facebook makes breaking up with people exponentially harder. First, if you were in an established Facebook relationship, the ensuing broken relationship will fill up your friends’ newsfeeds, dragging your already broken heart out into the virtual highway. Second, it means you have access to his or her life, even after you are no longer a part of it. If you don’t have enough willpower to avoid viewing your ex’s photos like a slideshow, then feel free to de-friend him or her. Just realize, that chances are they won’t ask for your friendship on Facebook ever again so it could make for an awkward digital reconciliation . 2. I will be more discerning with my friend requests. On Facebook, if your News Feed looks anything like mine these days, then you need to start being more discerning with your friend requests. Ask yourself 3 questions: Have I met this person in real life? Do we have mutual friends? Do I want this person to see photos of me and status updates for the rest of my Facebook using life? If no, then hit ignore or keep them on the wait list until you can answer yes to all three of those questions, otherwise known as Facebook purgatory. On Foursquare, this is even more important. You can’t seriously want people you don’t even know to know where you are every time you check-in. That’s downright dangerous. I receive loads of Foursquare friend requests from people I don’t even know, most of the time its because they are new to the platform and haven’t realized Foursquare is more personal in nature than other platforms. But some of the time, the requests are simply scary. 3. I will not “auto” anything on Twitter. Don’t auto-follow. Don’t auto-DM. Don’t auto-tweet. Don’t do anything that shortcuts the already less-than-personal nature of social media. Nobody likes being on the receiving end of auto-generated messages, so don’t be the person to send them. In other words, be a human. 4. I will not spam my “friends” asking them to “Like me.” So you’re an artist, a fashion designer, or a musician, or you just think you’re going to be famous because you live in L.A. and you can breathe properly. Don’t badger your entire network asking them to “Like” you. If you’re really trying to get your message out there and gain notoriety ask your Mom, Dad, your roommate, a couple close friends, your boss and your significant other, but then stop there. More importantly, do something worth notoriety. If its truly notable, people will notice. It’s already a shallow effort and chances are you’ll piss off quite a few people who would’ve “Liked you” on their own without having you request their approval. Lastly, you’re devaluing the entire “Like” process by guilting your friends into adding one more “Like” to their Facebook page. 5. I will forget about MySpace. MySpace had its day, along with Ace of Base, white washed jeans and JNCOs. There are much better ways to waste your time on the Internet. Read more at thenextweb.com

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/bkryw

Grown Folk Talk on Men, Women and Relationships...

What Do Men Really Want?

Now What? is BACK! I decided to tackle an easy topic for the comeback episode "What Do Men Really Want" (insert sarcasm here.) I’ve been dating since I was 15 and I STILL don’t know what men really want. I’ve been told it is sex, food,  and for women to shut up… not necessarily in that order. Yeah, well, that's NOT gonna happen!

A women we’ve been empowered and we are comfortable in our own skin and in our role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. You may even hear women say, “I don’t need a man”. But, forget what you heard, we DO need a man. At least I do. Having claimed that premise, what the hell do these men really want? Usher sang “we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed”.  Is that it? Is that the key to all this? Oh, I know, you’re going to say men just want to be loved, honored and understood. Really?

To help me tackle this broad is were the  Witches behind the widely popular blog, The Witches Brew.  Ranging in age from their mid-30s to mid-40s this group of feisty women added an amazing energy and sass to the show. Joining them are their fellas, the Ask A Dude© guys, who shed some interesting light on what men want. Plus, we had some very interesting decision going on in the chat room.

I'm not sure we figured out What Men Really Want but we had a great conversation and you'll enjoy this show as we talk about what men (and women) want in relationships. Enjoy!

Listen to internet radio with Danielle Ricks on Blog Talk Radio

Black Marriage Negotiations

A Real Man

This comes to you from my sister via my aunt.  I just love the women in my family!

A real man is a woman's best friend.

He will never stand her up and never let her down. He will reassure her when she feels insecure  and comfort her after a bad day.
 
He will inspire her to do things she never  thought she could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.

He will make sure  she always feels as though she's the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.  

 No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine.

It’s wine that does all that.......

Never mind.

 ... and just when I was about to give up drinking!

Dating in a Digital World - Part II

From time to time I write about dating.  This is my second installment in my Dating in a Digital World posts.  This time I'm focusing on Internet Dating and Dating Protocols.  I have been reluctant to use an Internet dating service. I do pretty well on my own when it comes to dating (never at a loss to have a guy around) but I haven't made that real "love connection" with someone who wants to "love, honer and cherish me until death do us part".  Oh, there have been offers but the key is to find someone who you want to settle down with as much as they want to partner with you.

You would think I, of all people, a woman who works, plays and lives online would be all over Internet dating sites.  For some reason it's been a bit taboo for me. I live in DC where we THOUGHT the ratio of men to women was disproportionately in the guy's favor. Actually, according to SingleMindedWomen.com, an analysis of the major U.S. cities found that DC fell in line as the number two city for single women... who know?  The criteria for  Top 10 Cities for Single Women were as follows:

To earn a spot in the Top 10, an international airport was a requirement. Single-minded women want to be able to get there, wherever there may be, with ease.  Once we pared down our list, we examined industries and employers, and compared cost of living. We then looked at percentage of singles to the general population, as well as ratio of women to men. In addition, we explored venues for social activities, arts, sports, and other entertainment. We also looked at cities from the standpoint of healthy living, with good health taking into account body, mind, and spirit. Finally, we considered other aspects of lifestyle, such as aesthetics, personal style, and community support.

So, come to find out, there are plenty of eligible men in DC... and I'm going after the ones who want to settle down and build a life together. No more, dating for a decade with no ring, cheating boyfriends who don't appreciate me, unavailable men who claim they love me and finally, absolutely no more players!  I'm getting serious about my prospects and I've joined two Online Dating services. In addition, I've solicited my girlfriend as my modern day Yenta.  In fact, she is sending me on a date tonight.  We spoke on the phone for hours last night.  Seems like a nice enough guy... funny... well educated... innovative... homeowner... stable job... oh and, yes, I Googled him.  You can't be too safe these days.  Although this person has gotten the seal of approval from one of my BFFs, I thought it wouldn't do any harm to Google.  Thankfully, I like what I read.  Now I'm excited about my date.  

I'll let you know how all turns out.  This is giving me PLENTY of content to blog about.  So, Internet Dating Services... yes or no AND is it wrong to Google a guy before you go out on the first date?  Inquiring minds want to know. 


Internet Dating on 12seconds.tv

New Study Finds That Being Attractive Can Adversely Affect A Woman's Career

I'm not exactly sure what "masculine sex-typed jobs" are but apparently, being attractive doesn't help women land these jobs. A new study finds that women who apply for "masculine" jobs are less likely to get the job if they are good looking. I guess it's a good thing I never wanted to be a buffalo wrangler, male stripper or gigolo because other than these professions I have NO idea WHAT they are talking about.

Amplify’d from www.medicalnewstoday.com

While many see no downside to being beautiful, a professor at the University of Colorado Denver Business School says attractive women face discrimination when it comes to landing certain kinds of jobs.  In a study released in a recent Journal of Social Psychology, Stefanie Johnson, assistant professor of management at UC Denver Business School, found that beauty has an ugly side, at least for women.  Attractive women were discriminated against when applying for jobs considered "masculine" and for which appearance was not seen as important to the job. Such positions included job titles like manager of research and development, director of finance, mechanical engineer and construction supervisor. "In these professions being attractive was highly detrimental to women," said Johnson. "In every other kind of job, attractive women were preferred. This wasn't the case with men which shows that there is still a double standard when it comes to gender."  The study, co-authored by Robert Dipboye, professor of psychology at the University of Central Florida, Kenneth Podratz, an organizational development manager at UPS and Ellie Gibbons, research assistant at the University of Colorado Anschutz Medical Campus, found that attractive men suffered no similar discrimination and were always at an advantage.  According to Johnson, beautiful people still enjoy a significant edge. They tend to get higher salaries, better performance evaluations, higher levels of admission to college, better voter ratings when running for public office and more favorable judgments in trials. A recent Newsweek survey of 202 hiring managers and 964 members of the public concluded that looks matter in every aspect of the workplace and they mattered more for women. When asked to rate nine character attributes on a scale of one to 10 with 10 being the most important, looks ranked third, above education and sense of humor, the magazine reported.  But in one narrow aspect of life, beauty can be a hindrance, something researchers have called the "beauty is beastly" effect.  "In two studies, we found that attractiveness is beneficial for men and women applying for most jobs, in terms of ratings of employment suitability," according to the study. "However, attractiveness was more beneficial for women applying for feminine sex-typed jobs than masculine sex-typed jobs." Read more at www.medicalnewstoday.com

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/8iah

A New Paradigm For Modern Dating? Combining the Real World and Internet World With One Flirty Card

I'm single and yeah, OK, I've thought about internet dating. However, I have a whole mental block towards hooking up with someone from a dating site. I'm not sure what my aversion is. I live, work and play online so one would think this would be a natural transition. Still, there's something about meeting someone on a dating site that creeps me out. The idea of a "flirt card" creeps me out even more! Yes, I've heard the eHarmony commercials about how they have matched up thousands of couples and how their matches have lead to more marriages... blah, blah, blah. Still, it just makes me very uncomfortable. Meanwhile, can you just imagine someone handing me a black card that says: "Let's hook up". Can you say "where is the trash can"?

Amplify’d from www.intent.com

Imagine that you are chilling by yourself in some coffee shop or bookstore. A non-creepy good-looking stranger--who may or may not have been eyeballing you or the book you have been reading for the last ten minutes--passes by your table and nonchalantly places a small black card next to your cafe drink before heading out the door. The card says: "I'm hitting on you" and below, a website code for looking up the your admirer's profile to learn more or to send a message. Super-creepy? Or a little intriguing? Consider it the flirty equivalent of a Facebook poke in real time. According to this recent article on the New York Times, passing along a flirty card with an online code to your personal profile may be the next dating trend that combines real world encounters with online interaction. Cheekd.com is one website that provides a paid membership for users who want their own personalized cards with their personalized internet code to discreetly pass along to any alluring-looking cutie or hunk that catches their eye--be it on the subway, a club, a bookstore, or yoga class. As the article goes on to explain: Users receive calling cards to dole out to alluring strangers they encounter in their everyday lives, be it in a club or in a subway on their morning commute. Recipients of the cards can use the identification code printed on them to log onto Cheekd.com and send a message to their admirer. A pack of 50 cards and a month’s subscription to Cheek’d, where users can receive messages and post information about themselves, is $25. There is no fee for those who receive cards to communicate with an admirer through the site. Each Cheek’d card has a sassy phrase like “I am totally cooler than your date,” or, for those with no regard for subtlety: “I’m hitting on you.” Ms. Cheek is dreaming up specialized card sets, too. One for New York City singles will have lines like “I live below 14th Street” and “I hope my five-story walkup won’t be a problem.” Flipmedating.com is another dating website that markets the same concept: a pack of 30 cards and a three-month membership for $24.99. Each card is printed with the message that reads way cooller in written form than spoken outloud: "I’ve said ‘what if’ too many times ... not this time.” Read more at www.intent.com

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/82je

Michael Jackson: A little girl's crush... a woman's love

Every woman remembers her first crush.  Mine was on Michael Jackson.  I can trace my love for Michael to the diary I started in fourth grade.  My epic tale was titled “My Life So Far” - as far as a life could be at that age- and the second sentence reads: “I love, love, love, a boy named Michael Jackson in the group the Jackson Five.” So began my love affair with this young, talented, Black boy with the big Afro and bigger smile who could sing and dance so well my little girl heart would melt.

I begged my Father to take me to see the Jackson Five when they came to Philadelphia. My Dad, a man I loved more than words can ever adequately describe, always wanted to please his baby girl. So, Daddy took me to see the Jackson Five in an over crowed concert hall in Philly. Because I was so short I couldn’t see the stage and had a panic attack. My Dad - being the best Daddy ever- picked me up, put me on his shoulders and let me watch the entire show above the crowd where my love for Michael Jackson grew and grew. Poor Daddy.  Here he was looking at the back of some other parent’s head, listening to music he could care less about, surrounded by screaming little girls. Dad is in heaven right now laughing about, that I’m sure!

As the Jackson Five albums were released, I got them hot off the presses. I sang to each song and knew every single word. Daddy soon got me a subscription to Right On! Magazine. I soaked up everything written about my favorite singer and my favorite group. I’d cut out Michael’s photos from the magazine and make beautiful, colorful, collages that were plastered all over my bedroom wall. Every little Black girl finally had a little Black boy to fantasize about.  It was wonderful. Well, we thought it was.  The brothas in my class didn’t like it one bit. They were hatin’ on the J-5 something awful. “He ain’t all that”, Todd would say. “My ‘fro is better than his”, you would hear Edsel whisper. “He can’t even sing", Edwin lied. I paid those silly little boys no mind. “I’m going to marry Michael Jackson one day”, I said to myself… and I meant it.

In grade school we would have arguments about which member of the Jackson Five were more deserving of our love. Little brown girls, sitting around the lunch table... getting in heated debates about these boys who we never met, who lived across the country, who didn’t even know we were alive. I must admit, there was a short period of time when I thought I was in love with Marlon Jackson (that boy could dance), BUT my heart belonged to Michael.  Soon I came to my senses and went back to the little Black boy with the big Afro, big smile and even bigger voice who originally stole my heart.

I can remember like it was yesterday the first time the Jackson Five were on Soul Train. I was playing outside with my friends and someone yelled “it’s time for the Jackson Five on TV! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.” We scattered in all directions trying to make it to the TV in time. There were no DVD or even VHS recorders at that time and no one could have even imagined TiVo or On Demand. If you missed the live show, you missed The Jackson Five and I was NOT about to miss my heartthrob. I also remember when I got the ABC album that opened up to reveal private photos of the Jackson Five. I looked over each photo at least a thousand times trying to get a good look into his personal life. I was looking for some clue to tell me something about this little boy I was so infatuated with.

My fondest memory was when I was getting ready for my very first play. I was all dressed up in my costume and had on red lipstick… thinking I was grown. I was walking out the door, stopped in my tracks and then ran back into the living room, grabbed the “I Want You Back” album and kissed it for good luck. I still have that album and the lipstick stain is still there. It’s not worth anything to anyone but me. The album cover is so worn out that it’s being held together by staples. The LP itself is so worn you can’t hear the background singers anymore. It would be decades later before I even knew Jermaine was singing background on the “I Want You Back” single... this only after hearing a digitally mastered copy of the song.

Fast forward to college. One of my ex-boyfriends who to this day is a very good friend of mine, reminded me just last night, that as an eighteen/nineteen year old young woman I told him I was going to marry Michael Jackson. Can you imagine? He thought, “either this girl is delusional” or “you know, she might just marry him.” See, at that time Michael had not blown up yet and the possibility I could be Mrs. Michael Jackson still remained an option. The Up Against The Wall album was just about to drop. When it did, it was over… Michael was on his way to being a superstar. By the time Thriller came out I was working at BET. By then I knew I wasn’t going to marry Michael but I’d be telling a big fat lie if I didn’t think getting a job with BET would give me access to him. I wasn’t completely wrong. BET allowed me to get tickets to his concert with The Jacksons. After many years I even got a chance to meet Michael Jackson but by then he was no longer the person I was once infatuated with. By the time I met Michael he was slipping away from us. He was a major superstar. He was an icon. He was untouchable. He was the King of Pop. He was strange.

I defended Michael and his antics for years, decades even. I stopped defending him after his trial. I had lost my infatuation. It was replaced with frustration, questions, accusations, and finally indifference. I didn’t even purchase his last CD. I laughed at jokes made about him. I turned my back on him. But now that he is gone I can only remember the love I felt for him. I can only remember how much joy he gave me. I can only remember what a great singer, dancer, performer and artist he was.

Michael Jackson, you were my first love. I am broken hearted that you have left us. I know you are at peace now... a peace you couldn't find on earth. In my mind, you are still that little Black boy with the big Afro, big smile, and apple hat on. Or, you are the young man in the video wearing a sliver outfit living off the wall. You left us with an incredible catalog of music. You left me with a boy to swoon over... my first crush... and my first love. Maybe that’s why I never married. I was waiting for the little Black boy with the big Afro and big smile to come propose to me. That won’t happen now but I love you, Michael Jackson.  I always will. 

Say “Hi” to my Dad and let him tell you about the concert he took me to. You two will like each other. It makes me feel good knowing my two greatest loves are together now. I still have some living to do but in soon enough “I’ll Be There" with you both.

You deserve to be adored!

I have a really good girlfriend that I met while working at Walt Disney World in Orlando. We have become the best of friends. Over the years we have shared similar hopes & dreams for the future. One of those dreams was to finally, finally get married. We had given up so much for our careers and as newly crowned Cougars we wanted to settle down.

So, we dated. And we dated. And we dated some more. Then I saw a shift in her love requirements. She started to say she wanted to be adored. I liked that idea but I don't think I fully bought into the concept. That is UNTIL... years later I met her husband. By then I was living in DC and she had come to town with her new hubby to watch history being made with the inauguration of the first Black President of the United States.

I'm going to cut to the chase here... he adores her! So much so he has photos of their wedding on his PDA and has no problems whipping them out to show the world what a beautiful bride he has. A guy... with wedding photos... on his iPhone... that he WANTS to share. That's just one small example of his adoration. I could go on and on about how he adores her but that's not the point.

The point is she didn't change the men she was dating. She changed her consciousness about the kind of men she wanted to date. Not too long ago I made that shift as well and I've been attracting more nurturing, honest, down to earth brothers (with one or two exceptions here and there). I will be blogging more about that as time goes on. In the meantime I asked some of my Twitter friends to define what it means to be adored by a man by answering this question: "He adores you if______" (fill in the blank). Here are some of my favorite answers. Feel free to add your own. I'll continue to post more as more of my favorites roll in.

• @peachcandy24 #HeAdoresYouIf respects you, protects you, and provides for you
• @RachelRich69 #HeAdoresYouIf he honestly and openly shares his feelings with you about your future together
• @jujumama #HeAdoresYouIf He is willing and happy to give because you are so open to receiving
• @rixstarr @DanielleRicks #HeAdoresYouIf he displays one of the Big "P" manhood traits on a regular basis. That's Protect/Provide/Profess/Promote
• @cyntjemusic #HeAdoresYouIf he supports your destiny/goals even if it means him getting out of the way

These are just a few. Give me your thoughts! Oh... and follow me on Twitter @DanielleRicks

@ShannonRenne#HeAdoresYouIf he doesn't understand social media and supports your addiction anyway *LOVE THAT ONE*

It ain't easy being green or being a women!

I always struggle with this balance of what it means to be a woman. So often I have identified myself with the man in my life, the position I have held on my job... the kind of sister, friend, or daughter I am. But now, having reached what I feel is the half way point in my life, I'm called upon to be more reflective, to be more introspective, to ask myself... "just what kind of women do I want to be?"

I've had some ups and I've had some downs. I've learned the lesson of self-love, self-expression, and self-esteem the hard way. I have had great loves and I have lost what I thought was the love of my life (turns out he was just a great love of a particular season in my life). While I've been able to peel back the layers of my soul to get to who I am as a Child of God, I still struggle with who I am as this female energy called "woman". Am I to be this strong, go get ‘em woman that my job calls for… while I'm out in the world… "on the grind”… “makin’ that paper”. While I do that... can I also be vulnerable and open up to all parts of my myself in an intimate relationship with someone who I hold dear and who I desperately need to be the caretaker of my heart? Will one soul energy source of dominance or submission surpass or overshadow the other?

I struggle with this push and pull of the masculine and feminine energy every day. It is the Ying and the Yang of me. When I am centered, focused, and bathed in Christ Consciousness I am in perfect balance with these two energies. When I am off, even if only by a little bit, one or more of the opposite polarities that make up the human psyche throw me for a loop. In these moments I pray and meditate. I turn within and ask the Creator to bring me back to the center… to allow me to focus… to allow me rise to my higher self… but it is a struggle.

I strive to experience unconditional love, without judgment, and without conviction. As I do, I understand the road to unconditional love and non-judgment is paved with a path called forgiveness. In this moment I forgive all who I have perceived having done me wrong me and I forgive myself for being so hard on a yearning soul that simply wants to be free.

These are my struggles... what are yours? How can love and forgiveness help you to overcome them?