Grown Folk Talk on Men, Women and Relationships...

What Do Men Really Want?

Now What? is BACK! I decided to tackle an easy topic for the comeback episode "What Do Men Really Want" (insert sarcasm here.) I’ve been dating since I was 15 and I STILL don’t know what men really want. I’ve been told it is sex, food,  and for women to shut up… not necessarily in that order. Yeah, well, that's NOT gonna happen!

A women we’ve been empowered and we are comfortable in our own skin and in our role as sexually liberated career woman in charge of their own destiny. You may even hear women say, “I don’t need a man”. But, forget what you heard, we DO need a man. At least I do. Having claimed that premise, what the hell do these men really want? Usher sang “we want a lady in the street but a freak in the bed”.  Is that it? Is that the key to all this? Oh, I know, you’re going to say men just want to be loved, honored and understood. Really?

To help me tackle this broad is were the  Witches behind the widely popular blog, The Witches Brew.  Ranging in age from their mid-30s to mid-40s this group of feisty women added an amazing energy and sass to the show. Joining them are their fellas, the Ask A Dude© guys, who shed some interesting light on what men want. Plus, we had some very interesting decision going on in the chat room.

I'm not sure we figured out What Men Really Want but we had a great conversation and you'll enjoy this show as we talk about what men (and women) want in relationships. Enjoy!

Listen to internet radio with Danielle Ricks on Blog Talk Radio

Sistas, Love Every Part of YOU!

My sisterfriend posted this Facebook and I just had to share!

Sesame Street head writer Joey Mazzarino wrote this for his adopted daughter, Segi, when he noticed how - after she began playing with dolls - she started to dislike her own hair and began wanting straight, blond hair. Instead of ignoring the problem (and potential future self-esteem issue), he immediately told his daughter that HER hair was beautiful and then proceeded to reinforce that message with positive media images and messaging.   

Something we as black children (and adults) get very little of, if at all. This is soooo great, enjoy! 

Looking From Behind The "Window Seat"

There has been so much debate over Erykah Badu’s nudity in her new video (you can see it here) that I think the true artistry of her video, her single and her right to express herself have gotten lost. I’ve made some comments about this on Twitter and Facebook but I needed more room to stretch out my thoughts so here are my two cents (OK, my three dollars… but you get the point)

I remember Erykah Badu from the very first time she hit the national stage. I was working at BET and she could barely fill a small club under the bridge in Georgetown. But in that small setting, as she perfected her craft, we all knew she had the “it” factor. She was poised, she was singing conscious music, she had her own style and the biggest rumor about her at that time was what the hell was under her head wrap. As I moved on in my career and Erykah moved on in hers, I saw her change. I watched as the music industry, relationships, life, the media… all of it got in the way of her art… of her passion.  Hey, growing up, maturing, being an adult, it ain’t easy and doing it in the public eye makes it so much more difficult.

Fast forward to the present day when Erykah, once dubbed the "Queen of Neo-Soul", decides to release the single “Window Seat”. She says it's a song about "liberating yourself from layers and layers of skin or demons".  We all have them my friends; we ALL have layers of skin or demons. How would you symbolically shed yours? Erykah Badu decided to shed hers by taking off her clothes and here is where the controversy begins.

In an interview with Hunter Hauk for The Dallas Morning News, Erykah said she chose the famous "grassy knoll" at Dealey Plaza to film her guerilla, one-take video because "it was the most monumental place in Dallas I could think of”.  Erykah shared that the video was a bid to awaken interest in a 1950s term called “groupthink” in which a person is afraid to express themselves for fear of being ostracized by the wider public.  Interesting how art imitates fiction isn’t it? Here she is making a video about being ostracized for expressing yourself, when she herself is now being ostracized for expressing herself… can you say… irony?  She did not do this without fear.  Expressing her trepidation she said:

The whole thing was frightening. The whole idea was frightening. Not being in love with my body, not being secure about being vulnerable, the police coming to take me to jail. I’m breastfeeding right now. Anything I could think of, I did. But those little things diminished as I thought about the big picture. And, as I started to walk, I confronted a lot of fears, and I hoped that it would encourage others to do the same thing in their own way.

Well Sis, you may have encouraged some to do away with their fears but mostly you drummed up a lot of controversy from people who don’t even know you.  Yet, these people have no problems judging you and questioning your sanity.  They are passing their fear and convictions on to you... wait... that's "groupthink" isn't it?

It's called "ART" when photographer Spencer Tunick shoots HUNDREDS of live nude figures in PUBLIC on numerous occasions. When a Sista shoots ONE nude video in public she is labeled as a crazy/tramp/slut/floozy (actual words used on Facebook) who is simply a promotion whore.  There couldn't be any other reason, right?  Even after reading her interview (which many probably didn't even bother to do) people focused more on her nudity than on her creatively. Funny, that's EXACTLY what she was attempting to draw attention to regarding the concept of “groupthink”.

Do I get why she chose to get nude? Yes, I do. She chose one of the most frightening things of all things to do... walking nude in public.  Not only is it against the law but it takes a certain kinda of person to be at peace with themselves enough to not only bear their soul creatively but also bare their body publicly.  Do I agree with her choice of art? No, I do not totally agree but I love her guts and as a video producer I love the gansta' approach she took to producing this video and I tip my hat to her. Will I defend her right to express herself? Yes, absolutely I will. Did she break the law? Yes, she did break the law but if they lock her up I'll be protesting that they better lock of Spencer Tunick and all of his nude subjects also!!!

Meanwhile, I LOVE the single, "Window Seat"!  I downloaded it last night from iTunes and it's in heavy rotation on my iPod.  So, if it is just a publicity stunt then it worked and I support her on that as well.  I will never knock someone another person's hustle as long as it doesn't cause anyone bodily harm or affect someones ability to put food on their table I say "carry on".  Meanwhile, if you don't think Lady Gaga and Rihanna are taking us for a promotional stunt ride you are sadly mistaken.  No, they haven't gotten naked in public (although they  might has well have).  Side note, I haven't download either of those artist's songs lately. 

My Facebook friend asked the questions: “Mozart had also been called mad many times and many others called him a genius - some felt years ahead of himself.  One of my questions is how far does that perceived "genius" by the public allow people to give those artists "space" to do their thing.  If the artist goes beyond the edge and it tips towards foolishness do they still get a pass by their fans?”

To which I answered, "True artist do not do their craft for the public.  If they are true to their art then they don't really care who likes it or not.  Now, they have to eat and ego does play its part but if they are doing what they love, what they are passionate about, who cares what the public thinks?  Anyway, who is to say ... where "the edge" starts and stops?  Who are we to say when someone has crossed the line?  Who is the keeper of "the line" anyway?  Is it a Black person, a White person, a male, a female, a person under 20 or a person over 50?  If it doesn't impact our personal livelihood or personal well being, how do we even get a vote?  Passing judgment is a very ugly human quality that I, for one, am fighting hard to overcome... I hope you (the reader) will join me?

"When I fall to the ground in the video, the word groupthink spills out of my head because I was assassinated by groupthink."

Well, my Neo-Soul Queen, I think you’re gonna need to fall one more again and this time with some clothes on because not many people are hearing your message… or are they?

Signed,

The daughter of an artist who was often misunderstood... but who was and IS...loved dearly... even in his death... by his baby girl,

Danielle

Women: Just Beautiful

My oldest sister sent this to me. I've always idolized her. She's sixteen years older than I am and for the longest time representing everything "cool" to me. I love that she shared this with me and I want to share it with you also... enjoy!

Learn to generate your own warmth

One of my favorite writers, Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, talks about intimacy and relationships and why people are like porcupines. This was taken from the PBS Special, THIS EMOTIONAL LIFE, that ran earlier this month.

In this clip Gilbert talks about the "dance of intimacy".  I hope all us, will find a most beautiful dance of intimacy, open ourselves up completely to love and generate our own warmth in cold places and shine the light in those areas that are dark!

Black Women Single

I posted the ABC News clip featured in my previous blog "Black Women Unmarried" on my Facebook page.  My girlfriends are all over this topic.  They are sharing their fears, their lessons, their words of wisdom... all in an effort to uplift each other and I love it!  This all started when a male friend of mine sent me this dreadful video that was yet another media report on the shortage of Black men.  My guy friend wanted to know my thoughts on the matter.  My initial reaction to the Black man shortage news report was "it is what it is".  When that wasn't enough of an answer for him I wrote this...

If Black women out number Black men so be it. We can't create more Black men between the ages of 30 and 60 years old to choose from now can we? We can't make sure more Black male infants are born each year rather than female babies just to even out the score. But we CAN empower more women to love ourselves regardless of our martial status.  We can encourage our circle of female friends to broaden our options (dating outside our race and not lowering our standards but taking a hard look at what is important to us) and to find love where we can when we can. We can also support our sistas who do find a Black man to love, honor and cherish them and remind them of how blessed they are when things in the marriage aren't going so well.

I refuse to get caught up in the statistics or the media hype/hysteria over the shortage of Black men. Myself and several of my single Black BFFs have chosen to have fabulous careers or build successful lives and we make no excuses for that. Many of us delayed marriage in pursuit of our dreams and we wouldn't have it any other way. Life is all about choices and we made our choice... some by design... some out of necessity. If a Black man hasn't come along "oh well". Truth be told, I have a lot of girlfriends who are very unhappy in their marriages so who is to say having the title "Mrs" is the end all be all?

A Black male shortage is nothing new. So yes, it is what it is and we will forge ahead in spite of it. Our journey in life, in my humble opinion, is never about anyone else or any one condition... it's always about our on individual path. It's not the issue, i.e. the shortage of Black men that's the problem it's how you respond to it that counts.

I was able to say this to him because I have amazing sista' friends who remind me of how wonderful, gifted, beautiful and strong I am.  I have male friends who do the same but it's my girls... some married... some single... some divorced that really know what I'm going through.  Thi, after finding out my Ex, a man I loved too much, trusted too much and took way too long to get over recently got married to someone else. Am I sad no man has looked me in my eye and said "I can't live my life without you"?  Well, no man I WANTED to look me in the eye and say that.  Yes, I am salty about that.  But baby, I have a good life... a really, really, good life and I am living it to the fullest.  A brother can come along for the ride or watch my smoke as I leave a trail of dust but I'm keep things moving regardless.  I'm God's gift come true... now go remind a Black woman that she is also God's gift come true so we can stop this madness of self hate and self doubt and move on to self love be we married, divorced or God forbid... SINGLE!

Black Women Unmaried

So, once again the media is telling us that Black Women have a better chance of hitting the lottery than finding a suitable mate.  Once again we have to hear that as successful, intelligent, accomplished women we have to lower our standards to be find a man who is willing to join us in Holy Matrimony.  I'd like to say this doesn't affect me.  I'd like to say... "oh those are just statistics".  But, since I'm a decade older than the women in this report I have to pause and say "hmmmmmm."  Well, all of us single ladies better get use to it.  We better be happy being by ourselves but never alone.  We better rejoice in the life we have rather than the life we don't.  We better rally around our family and friends and find joy and happiness there rather than in a marriage that may or may not be all it's cracked up to be.  Let's learn to love ourselves and stop letting these disturbing stats scare us into believe we are not fabulous just the way we are when we know that we are! Here's the report, here's what they are saying... you decide...

Wise words to live by

Love this and thought I'd share. It's written by columnist Regina Brett, 50 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 50 (in 2008), so here is the column once more":

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
    
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves!

Todays Intention: To be centered, completely at ease, and comfortable with myself being myself!