The Science of Love, Attraction and Heartbreak

Valentine's Day is a holiday that celebrates love, romance and the story of St. Valentine.  It's a day made for lovers and couples.  But single or married, divorced or engaged, we are in need of this thing called love.  Some of us search all of our lives for it.  It's an emotion that fuels the fire of amazing love songs, moving poems, and great art.  But, as Tina Turner sang, "what does love have to do with it?"  It really is just a chemical reaction.  You can't fake it or duplicate it.  But, there is a science to this thing called love.  Check out this video from the History Channel on the science of love and attraction.

Love is all well and good until your love interest doesn't return your affection.  So, how do we respond to rejection when our love isn't returned?  Believe it or not, that is also a chemical reaction.  More from the History Channel on the science of love and heartbreak.

Happy Valentine's Day!  Whether you are in love or mending a broken heart, remember that you are worthy of an abundance of love and recall the words from a Whitney Houston song:

The greatest love of all
Is easy to achieve
Learning to love yourself
It is the greatest love of all

Infographic: The Many, Many Shades of Modern Love

If relationships were a flow chart, this is what it would look like...

Amplify’d from www.fastcodesign.com

We always thought there were only two types of intimate relationships: monogamy and bopping everyone except your husband (or wife). But no! Turns out there are dozens and dozens of them: serial monogamy, polifidelity, soft swinging, involuntary celibacy (aka every 14-year-old boy). The list goes on, and data viz king David McCandless and Laura Sullivan lay 'em all out in a handy flowchart here. [Click image for larger view] Obviously, this is something of a sendup of the elaborate pageant of modern love. The pastel colors and curlicue embellishments, which could’ve been pulled from the pages of a self-help book, are nothing if not ironic. We’re particularly fond of the marriage-divorce-marriage-divorce bubbles over there on the right. It’s like reading Liz Taylor’s bio. (It just needs about 50 more bubbles.) For more recent coverage of McCandless’s excellent work see here, here, and here. [Images via David McCandless] Read more at www.fastcodesign.com

See this Amp at http://amplify.com/u/diy7

Immortal Beloved... a love story

I'm having a "love story" kind of day.  I'm thinking back on love lost and the possibilities of love renewed.  As a result, I've been reading some great love stories and have became fascinated with that of Ludwig van Beethoven.  Beethoven never married. There are three women who are often identified with the artist but none that he actually took as his wife. After his death in 1827 at the age of 57, a letter written in three sections, was found in a drawer. It was addressed to the "Immortal Beloved," but appears never to have been sent. Scholars believe the love letter was written somewhere around 1811.  We don't know who his "Immortal Beloved" actually was, but 200 years later I can feel the passion and pain that he had for this woman.  I hear the love written everywhere... even between the lines.

Ludwig van Beethoven to the "Immortal Beloved"

c. 1811-12
Good morning, on July 7th

Even when I am in bed my thoughts rush to you, my eternally beloved, now and then joyfully, then again sadly, waiting to know whether Fate will hear our prayer--To face life I must live altogether with you or never see you. Yes, I am resolved to be a wanderer abroad until I can fly to your arms and say that I have found my true home with you and enfolded in your arms can let my soul be wafted to the realm of blessed spirits--alas, unfortunately it must be so--You will become composed, the more so you know that I am faithful to you; no other woman can ever possess my heart--never--never--Oh God, why must one be separated form her who is so dear. Yet my life in V[ienna] at present is a miserable life--Your love has made me both the happiest and the unhappiest of mortals--At my age I now need stability and regularity in my life--can this coexist with our relationship?--Angel, I have just heard that the post goes every day--and therefore I must close, so that you may receive the letter immediately--Be calm; for only by calmly considering our lives can we achieve our purpose to live together--Be calm--love me--Today--yesterday--what tearful longing for you--for you--you--my life--my all--all good wishes to you--Oh, do continue to love me--never misjudge your lover's most faithful heart.
ever yours
ever mine
ever ours.

When Beethoven died it is said his last words wer "Applause friends, the comedy is over."

Dr. Seuss On Relationships

Today is Dr. Seuss' birthday.  I never knew how deep the Old Cat In The Hat guy was until I started looking for quotes to post on my social networking sites.  Here are two profound quotes I found that Dr. Seuss had on relationships.  I don't think he meant to use them in dating but they certainly apply.  Now, I want you to listen to him... he's a doctor after all: 

• ON LOVE LOST

Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened. ~Dr. Seuss

•  ON LOVE GAINED

You know you are in love when you can't fall asleep at night because  reality is finally better than your dreams. ~ Dr. Seuss

Happy Birthday Dr. Seuss... I'm going to take your advise and find my dream come true!

Sade is back... stronger than pride and stronger than EVER

We haven't heard from Sade in ten years.  "What have you been doing", interviewers asked her on Talk Show after Talk Show.  She often answered with something like "oh, just living."  Then she mentions her 13 year old daughter and we know exactly what she's been doing... being a Mother... experiencing the world outside of the traps that come with the music business... collecting life experiences that gave her pause and strength.  The result... her AMAZING new album "Solder of Love".  I can totally relate to the title with lyrics like:

I am lost
But I don't doubt (oh!)
So I ride
I have the will to survive

In the wild wild west,
Trying my hardest
Doing my best
To stay alive

I am love's soldier!

I know that love will come
Turn it all around

I'm a soldier of love
I'm a soldier

Check out the video for a Solder Of Love, the first single off  the album, from the Sade website.  If you haven't purchased her album yet go get it today!  You can purchase the album in stores and it's also available online at iTunes and Amazon.  Trust me, you won't regret you bought it.  By the way, my favorite song is "In Another Time" and I'll tell you why... in another post.

Learn to generate your own warmth

One of my favorite writers, Elizabeth Gilbert, author of Eat, Pray, Love, talks about intimacy and relationships and why people are like porcupines. This was taken from the PBS Special, THIS EMOTIONAL LIFE, that ran earlier this month.

In this clip Gilbert talks about the "dance of intimacy".  I hope all us, will find a most beautiful dance of intimacy, open ourselves up completely to love and generate our own warmth in cold places and shine the light in those areas that are dark!

An open letter to all my BFFs!

This was sent to me by my girlfriend who I've known since I was a little girl and who I love even more as I'm matured into a grown women!  This is for all my BFFs!!!


"When I was little, I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
And then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
Life would show you the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mom.
Another will sit beside you in the bleachers as you delight in your children and their activities.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be…
One friend will say, 'Let's cry together,'
Another, 'Let's fight together,'
Another, 'Let's walk away together.'
One friend will meet your spiritual need,
Another your shoe fetish,
Another your love for movies,
Another will be with you in your season of confusion,
Another will be your clarifier,
Another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
On whatever the occasion,
On whatever the day,
Or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
Or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself.
Those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman, But for many, it's wrapped up in several..
One from early school years,
One from later school years,
Several from here and there,
A couple from old jobs,
On some days your mother,
On some days your neighbor,
On others, your sisters,
And on some days, your daughters."

Thanks to all the wonderful women in my life for being in my circle and to all my best friends forever!

The Women of My Youth

I went to my high school reunion over the weekend. It was sooooooo much fun! But... and this is interesting... it's amazing how people can fall back into old habits... just like back in grade school. The same girls who got on everyone's nerves when we were in high school are STILL getting on folks nerves now that we are adults. But snobby women aside, the best part of the night was the fact that those of us who considered each other "girls" back in the day... came together as friends... after all those years... picking up with our friendship right where we left off!

Old boyfriends reminded us of our first loves and yet old pains seem to disappear. Old rivalries were put aside and in it's place a greater bond was formed amongst us all. You see, I grew up in a very small town. A very, very small town outside of Philadelphia, PA. A lot of people I graduated with I've know all my life. Many of us started kindergarten together and we learned how to laugh, negotiate, communicate, argue, forgive, and yes, love from first grade right through graduation from 12th grade.

Many of us left my small hometown and started our life elsewhere. Many others remained or moved to the next big city. But, through all of our travels, experiences, and life lessons, we came together during our reunion as a united front... as people who have shared a common childhood and who understand each other on such a deep level... like no one else could... like no one else can.

But, this is really the story of my girlfriends. Like my GF, Jina, who I use to ride my bike with to Darby Township to seek out the brothers with "swagga"... although at the time we weren't familiar with that term... we just knew we like guys with edge. Or Laurie, who sang in the choir with me and went on weekend rides in our friend's car trying... unsuccessfully... to get into some trouble. There is also Wanda, who was a regular at the Nile Swim Club (my favorite place on earth to be as a child) and someone who I've been keeping in contact with online. Then there is my girl, Dannie, who I didn't have the best of relationships with in high school (mainly because we misunderstood each other) but who is now like a sister to me. Of course, I can't leave out my BFF, Trina... who knows all my childhood secrets and who I don't see nearly often enough! This was Trina's first high school reunion but we are hoping it won't be her last because we had so much fun!

Wait, I'm reminded of a story I forgot to ask the ladies at the reunion if they remembered. When we were in 6th grade we girls came up with a scheme to quite the boys during lunch time. I'm not sure what Todd, Larry, Bruce, Tyrone and Edsel did to us but we were going let them know they did us wrong and we were done with them! It was agreed; we would stand up and say "It's quits" all at the same time. As the clock ticked away and each of us wondered if we were doing the right thing... we slowly stood up... looked at each other... and at the strike of 12 noon we all quit our boyfriends. Well, all except Jina... she chickened out... I wonder if she remembers this?

But I digress... rounding out the last of the girlfriends there is Linda, who pulled the whole reunion together and gave us all a magical night to remember. She joins Grace, my elementary BFF who, for some reason, didn't show up at the reunion but helped Linda pull it all together. There are so many more girlfriends to mention... like my girl Ramona Cropper who helped me search high and low for the stone I lost out of the bubble gum ring Todd bought me... or Helen, Gigi and Jen... all cool chicks... but I'll stop here.

All the women of my youth have had a profound impact on me. They are who I was, who I am, who I always hoped to be. They mean more to me as an adult woman than they ever did as a little girl growing up. I have a love for them all that I can't even explain. I will say this; my heart is full having spent time with so many of my childhood friends. I am truly, truly, blessed to have grown up in a town where everyone knew everyone, where all the parents had the right to discipline us, where we were able to keep our doors unlocked all day long, where we could leave our bikes in the driveway overnight, and where you knew you were loved for miles and miles around you. All that love came pouring out this weekend. I underestimated how much I missed these people and how important these women are to me. I promise not to let that happen again.

"Those truly linked don't need correspondence. When they meet again after many years apart, their friendship is as true as ever". ~Deng Ming-Dao

A New Road for my Love Map!

I’ve often wondered why women, myself included, are attracted to “bad boys”. My Dad wasn’t a bad boy. Well, maybe he was and I just didn’t know it. What is that mysterious force that pulls us towards one person but pushes us away from another? According to John Money, professor emeritus of medical psychology and pediatrics at Johns Hopkins University, this push and pull is based on our “love map" -- a group of messages encoded in our brains that describes our likes and dislikes. It shows our preferences in hair and eye color, in voice, smell, build and dare I say, swaga. Not only that, apparently our “love map” determines the kind of personality that appeals to us.

How, when, and why we fall for someone is said to depend on those people who most clearly fit our love map. Now, here’s the kicker for me, this love map begins to navigate its way through our brain in childhood. By age eight, they say, the pattern for our ideal mate has already begun to float around in our brains. Age eight... really... little Danielle is determining who I date now? What does she know anyway? If you checked out my earlier post then you know that by age eight I was in love with Michael Jackson. What the heck does that say about my love map? I mean, he was a somewhat normal little boy at that point but could he have been more unavailable?

I wonder if we can change the boundaries of our love map? I wonder if I can fall in love with a man who adores me rather than ignores me. Who loves me rather than lies to me. Who is actually available rather than being a workaholic, self-centered, unavailable, narcissistic, full of swaga, got too much edge, selfish, all about his "art/music/film/TV show/record company"… OK... I’m on a tangent now… I think you get the picture. I am determined to take that love map of that little eight-year-old girl and turn it upside down. I will do it differently this time. I will find the roads that lead to adoration, where I am cherished, honored, respected, valued and empowered. Who does that little eight-year girl think she is telling me who to date anyway?

Up until now she’s been wrong far more than she’s been right. Besides, my first love, Michael Jackson is no longer with us in this reality. It’s time I tell that little eight-year-old Danielle in the photo above to... quoting my beloved MJ here... “Beat It”! Grown women are at work here and your services are no longer required!

Michael Jackson: A little girl's crush... a woman's love

Every woman remembers her first crush.  Mine was on Michael Jackson.  I can trace my love for Michael to the diary I started in fourth grade.  My epic tale was titled “My Life So Far” - as far as a life could be at that age- and the second sentence reads: “I love, love, love, a boy named Michael Jackson in the group the Jackson Five.” So began my love affair with this young, talented, Black boy with the big Afro and bigger smile who could sing and dance so well my little girl heart would melt.

I begged my Father to take me to see the Jackson Five when they came to Philadelphia. My Dad, a man I loved more than words can ever adequately describe, always wanted to please his baby girl. So, Daddy took me to see the Jackson Five in an over crowed concert hall in Philly. Because I was so short I couldn’t see the stage and had a panic attack. My Dad - being the best Daddy ever- picked me up, put me on his shoulders and let me watch the entire show above the crowd where my love for Michael Jackson grew and grew. Poor Daddy.  Here he was looking at the back of some other parent’s head, listening to music he could care less about, surrounded by screaming little girls. Dad is in heaven right now laughing about, that I’m sure!

As the Jackson Five albums were released, I got them hot off the presses. I sang to each song and knew every single word. Daddy soon got me a subscription to Right On! Magazine. I soaked up everything written about my favorite singer and my favorite group. I’d cut out Michael’s photos from the magazine and make beautiful, colorful, collages that were plastered all over my bedroom wall. Every little Black girl finally had a little Black boy to fantasize about.  It was wonderful. Well, we thought it was.  The brothas in my class didn’t like it one bit. They were hatin’ on the J-5 something awful. “He ain’t all that”, Todd would say. “My ‘fro is better than his”, you would hear Edsel whisper. “He can’t even sing", Edwin lied. I paid those silly little boys no mind. “I’m going to marry Michael Jackson one day”, I said to myself… and I meant it.

In grade school we would have arguments about which member of the Jackson Five were more deserving of our love. Little brown girls, sitting around the lunch table... getting in heated debates about these boys who we never met, who lived across the country, who didn’t even know we were alive. I must admit, there was a short period of time when I thought I was in love with Marlon Jackson (that boy could dance), BUT my heart belonged to Michael.  Soon I came to my senses and went back to the little Black boy with the big Afro, big smile and even bigger voice who originally stole my heart.

I can remember like it was yesterday the first time the Jackson Five were on Soul Train. I was playing outside with my friends and someone yelled “it’s time for the Jackson Five on TV! Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go.” We scattered in all directions trying to make it to the TV in time. There were no DVD or even VHS recorders at that time and no one could have even imagined TiVo or On Demand. If you missed the live show, you missed The Jackson Five and I was NOT about to miss my heartthrob. I also remember when I got the ABC album that opened up to reveal private photos of the Jackson Five. I looked over each photo at least a thousand times trying to get a good look into his personal life. I was looking for some clue to tell me something about this little boy I was so infatuated with.

My fondest memory was when I was getting ready for my very first play. I was all dressed up in my costume and had on red lipstick… thinking I was grown. I was walking out the door, stopped in my tracks and then ran back into the living room, grabbed the “I Want You Back” album and kissed it for good luck. I still have that album and the lipstick stain is still there. It’s not worth anything to anyone but me. The album cover is so worn out that it’s being held together by staples. The LP itself is so worn you can’t hear the background singers anymore. It would be decades later before I even knew Jermaine was singing background on the “I Want You Back” single... this only after hearing a digitally mastered copy of the song.

Fast forward to college. One of my ex-boyfriends who to this day is a very good friend of mine, reminded me just last night, that as an eighteen/nineteen year old young woman I told him I was going to marry Michael Jackson. Can you imagine? He thought, “either this girl is delusional” or “you know, she might just marry him.” See, at that time Michael had not blown up yet and the possibility I could be Mrs. Michael Jackson still remained an option. The Up Against The Wall album was just about to drop. When it did, it was over… Michael was on his way to being a superstar. By the time Thriller came out I was working at BET. By then I knew I wasn’t going to marry Michael but I’d be telling a big fat lie if I didn’t think getting a job with BET would give me access to him. I wasn’t completely wrong. BET allowed me to get tickets to his concert with The Jacksons. After many years I even got a chance to meet Michael Jackson but by then he was no longer the person I was once infatuated with. By the time I met Michael he was slipping away from us. He was a major superstar. He was an icon. He was untouchable. He was the King of Pop. He was strange.

I defended Michael and his antics for years, decades even. I stopped defending him after his trial. I had lost my infatuation. It was replaced with frustration, questions, accusations, and finally indifference. I didn’t even purchase his last CD. I laughed at jokes made about him. I turned my back on him. But now that he is gone I can only remember the love I felt for him. I can only remember how much joy he gave me. I can only remember what a great singer, dancer, performer and artist he was.

Michael Jackson, you were my first love. I am broken hearted that you have left us. I know you are at peace now... a peace you couldn't find on earth. In my mind, you are still that little Black boy with the big Afro, big smile, and apple hat on. Or, you are the young man in the video wearing a sliver outfit living off the wall. You left us with an incredible catalog of music. You left me with a boy to swoon over... my first crush... and my first love. Maybe that’s why I never married. I was waiting for the little Black boy with the big Afro and big smile to come propose to me. That won’t happen now but I love you, Michael Jackson.  I always will. 

Say “Hi” to my Dad and let him tell you about the concert he took me to. You two will like each other. It makes me feel good knowing my two greatest loves are together now. I still have some living to do but in soon enough “I’ll Be There" with you both.

Wise words to live by

Love this and thought I'd share. It's written by columnist Regina Brett, 50 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 50 (in 2008), so here is the column once more":

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
    
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift

Friends are the family that we choose for ourselves!